It’s true. Not talking about happy endings either. Ultimately, any path and any ending is fine. Some are more sad than others. That’s okay. It’s just that sometimes, you have to hear that from a stranger, since friends can’t be trusted when it comes to truths, especially unpleasant ones. I know I could have used a letter or two from a stranger in my lifetime. Perhaps you, D., can use one too. Ultimately, I’m writing this letter to you, but for myself. Feels good to see it before my eyes instead of in my head. Maybe it feels good to you, too. If not, then you will simply ignore it, which is also fine.
But if it does, just remember: You’ll be fine. There’s no way you’ll not be.
You can’t trust a stranger, but you can believe me, precisely because I don’t know you at all. It’s not a judgement of your situation or your character, both of which I don’t know. It’s just a simple observation made countless times. Fulfillment and self-destruction, distance and obsession, the tides of soaring ego boosts and devastating self loathing, none of it is better than its counterpart. There’s no judgement that matters in these things, not even (or especially?) your own. I felt like the most worthless being in existence. So did many others. We were wrong, perhaps one of us was right, in the end it didn’t matter.
This is not nihilism. It’s not destructive. It’s a form of acceptance. No matter how one does feel internally, no matter if he gets validation from the outside or how he processes it, it’s okay. He is okay. Some people think that nothing matters and feel crushing despair. But it can actually be quite liberating to realize how little many things matter. It’s okay to feel shitty. It’s okay to sometimes have wronged someone, even yourself. It’s okay not to be the best at something. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. There are terrible things to do, for sure, and one can be a bad person. But not just by living your life and feeling you’re not good enough for someone, something, somewhere. Not just by looking at yourself and hating the idea that you could be so much more.
You’ll be fine.
Perhaps I will be, too. This letter is a good first step.
I considered asking you if I was allowed to send this letter, not wanting to just dump something on you. Actually. that’s a lie. I’m still considering while writing these very words. I just decided against it, which means you will never read it. That’s okay, I’m not your puzzle to solve, nor are you mine.
I think I’ll keep this letter. I like it. Perhaps you would have liked it, too. But in the end, with or without it, you’ll be fine.